This could be my dream movie. Tits, Guns, Explosions, and Violence. Here's hoping there is a crapton of cussing.

Dream Movie! Tits! Badass Chicks! Guns! Fast Cars! Explosions! Sexual Frustration between chicks (note: xena and gabrielle are both in this). Hopefully there's lots of cussing and epic ass kicking.

Is it hedonistic because you're endulging in something that feels good, or is it just the right thing for you?

I try to be as fearless as possible with my life decisions, and sometimes it pays off, and sometimes you get burned, but the end result is that you had an adventure, and lived to tell the story.

I'm ready to close a few chapters of this book, and open a few more. New adventures are welcome.

omg.

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There's a million things to say about trips like this.

I've been ready to leave Chicago for about a year now. Last week marked my sixth year here, and I no longer feel that sense of adventure or future. Perhaps it's the midwest in general, but whatever it is I need at this point in my life, it's not here. Maybe sometime later, but for the moment, it's time to leave, not because I hate Chicago, but because I feel like I'm being pulled away.

I've done a little traveling where I have had friends to kind of scope out the scenes and set. While the duh factor on location is pretty straightforward, it really comes down to people and potential. I've visited most of the places I've considered moving in a past life, pre-gay, and that wasn't really enough. Life since coming out is very different. I picked up and moved to Chicago, simply for the potential it held, there was little consideration for logistics or 'how' in general. I had a little bit of money, no job, and few bills. Things are a little more complicated right now, but I'm in that same sort of scenario. I'm just kind of existing, and it's really just not what I want to do with my life.

So this past weekend, I went out for a confirmation trip on San Diego. I've been to LA and SFO, and while I loved both, I didn't really feel any connection to LA, and SFO just seems like too much. Again, the weather in California is a no brainer, so it was important to get a comfort level with the people I might potentially become friends with and just 'feel' the town.

San Diego feels so compact. Within miles you'll see ocean, hills, tall buildings, stadiums, unique houses, all under a beaming sun. It really felt like the people that are there are very much there because they want to be, and it makes them happy. The town felt welcoming, busy, light, and full of potential.

As for 'friends', I think I'll post about that later, but I really couldn't have felt more welcomed. Seriously, mad love for sluggobear, and crazy props for the rest of the 619'ers. Thank you. Here's a few photographs from the weekend that probably cover the social aspect. The set came out better than I could have hoped, especially considering how much I suck with a flash. It doesn't help that there's a big pile of gorgeous there, but I digress.

More on the weekend later, needless to say, I'm already looking at dates to go back, and jobs in the area.

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I had a bad dream last night, and unlike the nightmares of movies, mine are basically situations that could literally happen at any time. Couldn't really sleep, so I put some touches on a mix I had in mind.

Here's what I've titled as 'The Gray Mix', aka, The Bad Dream Mix.

M83 - Unrecorded
Deftones - Digital Bath
Tricky - Bury the Evidence
TV on the Radio - A Method
Vast - Don't Take Your Love Away
Bright Eyes - Lover I Don't Have To Love
Massive Attack - Angel
Sneaker Pimps - Spin Spin Sugar
Portishead - Sour Times
Röyksopp - What Else Is There? (Radio edit)
Kate Bush - Aerial
Delerium - Terra Firma
Enigma - Gravitiy of Love
Milla - Rocket Collecting
Poe - Angry Johnny (Band Version)

Download - 97.5 mb

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I got nothin.

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Watching old videos of Pixies live could be inspiring if they weren't so beautifully sad.

What's that sense called, when something amazing goes away, and you're happy to have known it, but a little sad it will never be the same?

Ah yes.

I made a mistake in my life today, everything I love gets lost in drawers. I want to start over, I want to be winning; way out of sync from the beginning

With buried heads we both forget, all of the past and its regret.

I want to be fascinated by something again.

OK so I lied. I'll be in SD from the 20th til the 23rd for sure. Flight is booked.

I arrive Friday evening around six and leave Monday at 5.

Bring on the fun.

Big social bear events are so draining to me. Just utterly exhausting. I loafed in the lounge tonight, something I'd swore I'd never do, which I only did this time because of some extraordinarily engaging company.

There's so much going on, so many push pull scenarios, which I meticulously analyze, all the while trying to pay attention to four random people talking around me, as well as the one or two persons at the time that I *actually* want to pay attention to.

I just sit and watch, and watch, and watch. I swear people actually believe no one else is watching *them*.

I think perhaps, I could do with a little more hair-letting-down, or simply more booze. Perhaps I should be less interested in the world around me and more self involved. I might get farther. Perhaps I should lose a 100 more lbs and just get people to pay attention to *me*. Perhaps I should just be ok with the vicarious life ;)

NOM NOM NOM COLD PIZZA.

A Fine Frenzy - Near to you

This is a little tune by a band I've really been enjoying most of this year. It's another one of those terribly sad, realized, but still full of feeling and power, enough to give it a little hope.

Near to you, I am healing but it's taking so long. 'Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on. Yet, I'm better near to you.

Stars - On Peak Hill
My weekend earworm.

Watching these guys perform this live, is one of the best concert moments I've ever experienced.

The static whisper in my ear, but in a moment your voice was clear.

It's also where I got the title I've been using on this journal for quite a while.

Do yourself a favor, download it, check out the lyrics. It's a beautiful, realized, sad piece about how you feel when you're trying to cope from someone leaving you behind.

( lyrics )

So I'm curious about how people reading this feel about my usage of Loud Twitter.

In the past, I've leaned towards lengthy, serious, infrequent posts with a touch of little ones now and then.

I am lukewarm with the Loud Twitter postings, mostly because I feel the same about LJ'ers who use it as a big social, name dropping, I did this and that sort of thing. Twitter is like that, yet it has a lot of small moments of goodness (though honestly I doubt anyone reads them).

So tell me...
Poll #1179037 Twitter
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

MY use of loud twitter is:

Why?

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are hard to break.

I've barely been playing for a while now. First time I've sat and played wow on a Friday night in a good 2 months. Felt good. Stress-relieving.

A little pew pew soothes the savage beast.

<3 my moocow

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bored at work, bored at work!

pink on blue. faboo.

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LOL, I think this was 2004?

Ha. I put a few more up on flickr if you're bored.

I don't think this was intended for public consumption, but wtfever, I have no shame.